Another Day on Earthcamp

Another day here on Earthcamp. Today I looked up the symptoms for a nervous breakdown. I think I meet the criteria. I wish I wasn’t like this. Sometimes I just want to be normal. I don’t know how to fit in. I just want to be able to function in daily life like a normal person.

I don’t know why waking up with panic attacks has to be my norm. I am so lonely on this plane, and it feels tough to bear every day. This isn’t a very good subject for a blog post, but alas. I hope I can get some help here soon. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I have been trying to help myself for so long, but it is so lonely. It has really deteriorated to the point of feeling hopeless in the face of calming myself down because, seemingly, there is no point if I am so lonely in life otherwise anyways. I feel isolated on this earth, longing for anyone to feel connected to and less alone. I have felt this way for nearly as long as I can remember, never having a true sense of belonging or being within a group. It has come to the point of publicly blogging about it, because, at this point, what do I have to loose? I want to stay strong, to be able to resist, to be able to organize and build a better world and not let the system get me down. Why then, must my depression be so deep and pronounced that I struggle so much to even want to continue on?

It is problematic that I find that most daily activities trigger extreme anxiety for me at the moment. I just want to be able to relax and feel okay, but I feel like I am slowly dying. I am trying, trying, trying to feel better. To say that things will get better. To believe that they are going to get better. I